Softball

Andrew Linnehan

 

While the top 11 singers battle for America's vote, the Big Ten's 11 vie for a conference softball crown. The similarities don't end there.

As we prepare rather intensely for softball’s conference-opening weekend, I thought we’d abandon the structural norm that is the weekly power ranking and relate each of the Big Ten’s eleven softball teams to the talents and personalities of American Idol’s eleven finalists. It’s almost as if Idol’s producer Simon Fuller, in an attempt to reward my years of loyal viewership, structured the show to have eleven finalists (the same number of teams in the Big Ten) on the exact week that we’re getting ready to predict what softball team will win the Big Ten. So let’s get started. In Ryan Seacrest’s best (and somewhat homosexual) broadcasting voice: Thisss… Is… Big Ten Idol.

 

 

ADAM LAMBERT: Lambert has the best odds to win American Idol. He blends together a perfect concoction of personality, passion, and pure talent. He’s a rock star (with the vocal range of Gene Simmons from Kiss) and is supremely confident of his talents. Perhaps most importantly, he loves the big stage, and has an innate ability to step up his game when more eyes are on him.

Team Most Like Adam: MICHIGAN - The Wolverines, like Adam, are my favorite to win the Big Ten this year. Yes, both they and Adam definitely have some contestants to reckon with, but you cannot ignore the combination of talent and performance Carol Hutchins’ crew has displayed in ‘09. Michigan is a team that is known for stealing the spotlight and, even though late-game heroine Samantha Findlay is gone, a 1-1A pitching combo and a high octane offense shouldn’t disappoint.

 

DANNY GOKEY: Gokey, the ultimate “nice guy,” brings an abundance of talent and a can-do-anything mentality to this year’s competition. Gokey tragically lost his wife last year, and is dedicating the performance to his late life partner. Of all the contestants, Gokey has the talent and the intangibles to sneak up on Adam.

Team Most Like Danny: NORTHWESTERN - Though it is far from the tragedy of losing a loved one, the Wildcats are still recovering from a death in the program (read about what Arizona State did to them in the NCAA Tournament last year to find out more). However, this team could be, on paper, the most talented team in the Big Ten. Sure, they only have one ace to put into the circle (Lauren Delaney) and that has hurt them early in ‘09, but you have to believe this team’s intangibles can compensate for that. NU has a great coaching staff (added U.S. Olympian Lauren Lappin to this year’s arsenal), the best do-anything hitter in the country (Tammy Williams), and the best pinch-hitter in the country (Emily Haug). On any given day (including when UofM and NU butt heads in the opener this weekend), the Wildcats could triumph. Like Gokey praying for a Mariah Carey week against a one-dimensional rocker, NU better hope for March Madness week THIS WEEK, where upsets are abundant and the underdogs are firing on all cylinders.

 

LIL ROUNDS: If you’ve watched American Idol religiously for the past seven years (should I admit to that?), you’ve seen a talented Black woman make a spirited run into at least the final six. So should be the case for Lil Rounds, a naturally beautiful singer who can belt notes like Sam Marder can belt homers (let that serve as a harbinger). If a woman is going to win this competition, it will be Lil Rounds.

Team Most Like Lil: OHIO STATE - It seems fitting as a Big Ten fan not affiliated with Columbus that I find a first name of Lil about as annoying as I do the Buckeyes on the whole. But sheer animosity aside, this is (and has been) the most underrated Big Ten softball team in the last five years. Much like the Black woman making a deep run on American Idol, OSU is consistently in contention for a conference crown. This year is no different. Veteran pitching and the nation’s best offensive (and perhaps defensive) catcher should propel the Buckeyes to the top portion of the Big Ten standings and deep into the NCAA Tournament.

 

ALLISON IRAHETA: Allison is very similar to what Kelly Clarkson was at this stage of the original American Idol competition. She’s a bit underrefined, unpolished, and raw, but can “sing the phonebook,” according to a couple of the judges. She might be too young to win the competition (Clarkson was a shy older than she is), but look out for some future success in the music industry.

Team Most Like Allison: PURDUE - Purdue’s got some talent, but you can tell it’s budding and not yet fully developed. There’s no better illustration of this testament than in the circle, where sophomore Suzie Rzegocki has already garnered two Big Ten Pitcher of the Week awards with an easy-as-1.23 ERA and a 12-4 record.

 

MEGAN CORKREY: The judges don’t know what to do with this quirky beaut. She looks good, she performs well, yet she’s not quite a front-runner. Maybe it’s the dancing (or lack thereof), or maybe it’s her song selection, but she needs to make a few big strides before she’s in the thick of things for a title. 

Team Most Like Megan: MINNESOTA - I, like the Idol judges to Megan, am perplexed by this contestant. The Gophers entered ‘09 with every reason to prove that they were egregiously snubbed from the Dance last season, yet UM hovered around the .500 mark for the entirety of its non-conference campaign. The street signs to Victoryville are there: A run-producing lineup, good leadership, and an ace in the circle (Briana Hassett). Problem is, hitting hasn’t been consistent and defense has let the Gophers down at times.

 

CHRIS ALLEN: The group’s pretty boy. Baby-faced Chris Allen loves to wow the 13-year-olds with his soothing voice and dreamy look, and should stay in the competition based on reputation alone. He does boast some vocal talent, but perhaps unfortunately for his long-term chances, his talents are overshadowed by his looks. Allen could be compared to last season’s David Archuleta, except the former is cooler and has much more personality.

Team Most Like Chris: IOWA - If you’re a Big Ten softball fan, you should have a soft spot for Iowa softball. The Hawkeyes are the charm of the conference. After all, they nearly represented the conference all by their lonesome for the better part of four decades. But that good-looking history and vivid name recognition might only get you so far this season. Sure, they have a balls-out competitor in the circle (Brittany Weil), they just simply don’t have the same talent as they’ve had historically to attack the conference’s pinnacle.

 

MATT GIRAUD: What makes piano bars so fun? No… BESIDES the alcohol. It’s the pianists, of course. Giraud makes his living as a piano bar pianist, and it shows. His brilliant combination of soul and pizazz afford him a versatility that most contestants don’t have. He’s flat out entertaining, and can wow crowds.

Team Most Like Matt: ILLINOIS - The Illini bats have been at or near the top of the conference for a few years now, and this offense could single-handedly win thirty games for the Orange this season. Danielle Zymkowitz and Hollie Pinchback (both hitting well over .400) need to stay scorching for the Illini to continue to wow crowds.

 

ANOOP DESAI: Picture Slumdog Millionaire shopping in J.Crew, and you’ll peg Anoop Desai. Not too strong of a candidate to win this thing, Anoop will need his Tobacco Road connection (he’s a UNC student) to propel him in the competition. 

Team Most Like Anoop: PENN STATE - The Nits racked up a 27-13 road record last season, but were less than respectable at home (7-9). PSU, after starting 9-11 this season, will need some nice home-cookin’ to sneak up the Big Ten ladder.

 

MICHAEL SARVER: It doesn’t get much more blue-collar than Michael Sarver, a roughneck from Texas who works on oil rigs. Underneath his oily exterior, however, Michael shows a softer side with a helping of values that could circumvent a family reunion’s dinner table. He uses a fundamental singing approach (along with strategic song selection) to avoid elimination each week.

Team Most Like Michael: MICHIGAN STATE - A 10-13 start hardly shows what Head Coach Jacquie Joseph’s Spartans squad is all about. She preaches what Sarver radiates: hard work, fundamentals, and performing with intelligence. Considering the catastrophic state of the Michigan economy, an MSU team that embodies these characteristics should endear itself to fans in East Lansing. Let’s just hope, for Sparty’s sake, it translates to some more W’s.

 

ALEXIS GRACE: A pale, skinny single mother who, quite frankly, maximizes what she has to offer. The inaccurately named Grace is able to mask a lot of her flaws, which include a relatively below average voice, a bad smile, and a slightly standoffish personality. Simon Cowell told her she needed to “dirty it up a little bit,” which has worked so far. But again, she’s outdoing her talent. Don’t expect her to stick around much longer.

Team Most Like Alexis: WISCONSIN - The Badgers don’t stray too far from Alexis’ “pale” description, though I’d be hard-pressed to provide evidence of them being single mothers. Where Alexis and U-Dub are similar, however, is in their desire to maximize their abilities. On the diamond, an undertalented and frequently overmatched Wisconsin team has consistently played up to its competition this non-conference season. The Badgers boast quality wins over Notre Dame, New Mexico, Texas Tech, and Hawai’i, and have been in contention for a win in WAY more games than last year. Should this pattern continue in Big Ten’s, this could be you Most Improved Team in ‘09.

 

SCOTT MACINTYRE: There’s no beating around the bush, here. Scott’s most unique characteristic is that he’s blind. And, while he does possess some moving talent on the piano and a better-than-average voice, he’s surviving in the competition via the pity vote. Expect to see him leave Idol rather quickly.

Team Most Like Scott: INDIANA - All sensitivity aside, this team plays like it’s blind at times. Off to a 3-19 start, IU’s new coaching staff is surely still searching for a vision to instill in this young Indiana team. Expect things to turn around (they’ve got a great new coaching staff), but much like things in Assembly Hall, it ain’t gonna be this year.